Fork dorks

Have you ever seen television or radio commercials or print ads where they talk about how the proper way to eat fried chicken is with a knife and fork? Quote: “Never eat with your fingers.” Excuse me? I grew up poor, and silverware was a luxury. I had to share my fork with my siblings. So, using my fingers was never an issue.

When I see logic like this, I must ask myself, who in the heck wrote this stuff? The socalled experts say that if you have fried chicken in a restaurant, you’re supposed to use a knife and fork. I beg to differ, unless you’re eating in a bad part of town. You know, an area where you actually see stray chickens stumbling down the middle of the street, coughing from having smoked cheap cigarettes. Someone needs to tell them that’s not the way smoked chicken is created.

The exception, they say, is if the chicken is greasy, you may use a fork. You know that forks have spaces between the spokes to make it easier to maneuver food to your mouth. Well, on that reasoning, I’ll just use my toes next time I’m in that situation. As many times as I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth, that should be no problem. That way, I won’t have to bring my own fork. And I’m not using my fingers, right? Etiquette.

So, just what is acceptable finger food? Yes, fried chicken, fries, onion rings, jalapeno poppers, cheese sticks, celery and carrot sticks, pizza, bacon strips, corn on the cob. Can you imagine someone trying to eat a cob with a knife and fork? Better take cover. Those kernels are going to be flying in every direction like an unleashed pot of popcorn in progress.

But then, some of you parents out there have those memories where you had to remind your little ones that the contents of their nose was not an acceptable thing. I’ve had to remove coins and candies from my brother’s nasal cavity. No lie. But as gross as that sounds, we Americans are always being chastised for wasting food in general. I mean, you won’t know if it’s good until you try it. A large portion of the world gets a big part of their protein, for example, by consuming edible spiders, worms, termites, moth larvae and grasshoppers. How about deep fried tarantulas? Hey, it comes with dipping sauce. Before you get squirmy on me (pun intended), just remember that cricket-filled tacos are a big thing in Mexico. They’re readily available from street vendors and food trucks in places like deep L.A. here in the States.

Heck, forward thinkers here at home have been trying for years to popularize cricket-based food products like chips and breakfast bars. Unfortunately, the price is prohibitive to a lot of people.

Ordering a combo may take on a whole new meaning in some places. Bourbon and pickle juice on the rocks, anyone? They say the brine brings out the undertones of the drink. You’ve no doubt heard mention of a peanut butter, bacon and banana sandwich. I actually had a peanut butter topped hamburger overseas on base.

Ice cream and olive oil. I like ice cream, and I love olive oil. But together? I enjoy olives, too, but I don’t think I would top my ice cream with them. It might look totally wicked, like a bunch of alien eyes glaring back at me.

I guess the bottom line is that there really are no rules anymore. At today’s food prices, we’re almost being screamed at to get more creative in cheaper, healthier foods.

Ah, time for my Pepsi and milk toddy with a peanut butter M&Ms chaser. I’m sticking to my guns.